I've been struggling for the last few weeks with mild anxiety. A vague sense of dread has been hanging over my head. When I try to analyze it, it seems to be about security: financial, residential, familial. I long for security above all else and I'm faced with my inability to achieve it. I have no husband and I don't own my home. I rely on roommates to help pay the rent and every time one of them moves out I'm reminded how so many things in my life could easily fall apart at any moment. When I look around I'm tempted to feel sorry for myself. Other women my age or younger have a loving husband and kids and a beautiful home. Why not me? 

With no husband and no house, I am not able to save a lot of money for retirement. How will I live when I'm too old to work? What if I lose my job? Will I have to rely on friends for help? These are the things circling through my mind today, but I realize these fears are not unique to single women. Isn't security and love what we all desire? And don't married people who own their homes struggle with some of the same fears? At any moment, your husband could lose his job. How will you make your payments? How will you pay for your kid's clothes?

These fears show me that I am looking to things of this world to provide for my needs. If I only had a husband with a good job, I would be okay. Nope. I know this is an illusion. I know many married women who feel just as lonely and insecure as I do, if not more so. It is not the things that bring security and belonging. It's God. God is the only one who promises truthfully never to leave or forsake me (Hebrews 13:5). God never changes (James 1:17). He is merciful and just, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love. No man or job or home on earth can make those claims with any honesty.

Last week, an arson-ignited fire raged through the mountains behind my neighborhood. There were several nights when I could stand on my balcony and watch the flames race across the ridge, closer and closer to my home. I thought about what I would choose to pack in my car if I needed to evacuate. Not much. My passport, camera, computer, teddy bear, photos, guitar. How would my life change if I lost all my stuff? To be honest, I think I would feel free. There is something about having everything taken away that allows you to rely on God in a way you can't when you have a lot.

Today in church, the pastor quoted Jesus in Matthew 6:24: "No one can serve two masters; for either he will hate the one and love the other, or else he will be loyal to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve God and mammon." My fears exposed to me that I am trying to serve two masters. I want to live for Jesus and trust him for everything, and I also want a comfortable home and the security of a well-padded bank account. But when my mind is consumed with worry about those things, it reveals to me that this life is what I'm serving, not Christ. In the following verses, Jesus says, “Therefore I say to you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink; nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air, for they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they?" (Mt 6:25-26) Jesus warns against exactly what I'm doing. In trying to serve two masters I will constantly be torn between God's kingdom and this world, and I won't be successful in either. Instead, he says, "But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble." (Mt 6:33-34)

God, please help me to tear my heart out of this world and instead store up treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves can't break in and steal. Help me to fix my eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen and eternal. Make my life count for much in your economy, even if it means losing out on this one. Help me to value my position on your kingdom over my position in this world.

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."-James 1:2-4

It is fitting that I would be memorizing these verses while I go through a hard time at work. I like how James says "consider it pure joy," rather than "take comfort" or "you'll get through it." When God disciplines me, that is evidence that I am his child, as Hebrews 12:6 says, "... the Lord discipline those he loves, and he punishes everyone he accepts as a son." Parents don't usually discipline other people's kids - just their own. In knowing that God is testing my faith, I can have "pure joy" because that means he loves me as his own child. Discipline is for our good, and it's purpose is to make us mature like Christ. My parents disciplined me when I was young, and I didn't like it at the time, but now I am glad that they did because it prepared me for life on my own. I want to submit to God's discipline so that I can be mature and complete, not lacking anything, and live a life that brings glory to him.

Thoughts on my Not-so-Great Job

I've been having some serious frustrations with my new job. The main ones are feeling used, trapped, and minorly persecuted for I know not what reason. After many ups and downs I decided to look for another job.

However, as uncomfortable as this whole experience has been, I have to say that I've never been forced to grow so much in my walk with God as I am now. I am daily put into situations where I have two choices: to sin or surrender my rights. I don't always choose rightly, but I think it's more often than not, and I know it's more often that it has been in the past. I am learning to hold my tongue, to be patient in affliction, to turn the other cheek, not to complain (I have complained, but I promise you it's a lot less than I've wanted to), and to love my enemies.

As I walked out to my car tonight, it struck me clearly that Starbucks is not my job - Christianity is, and sometimes the two conflict with each other. This morning at church, Pastor Mike talked about having the courage to do the right thing without fearing the consequences. I realized tonight, that my job is a ministry. Every day, someone at work asks me something about the Bible, God, church, or my faith; and every time I answer and represent Christ, I am taking a risk.

This perspective has changed the way I look at work in another way too. Sometimes the right thing isn't the best thing for the company. There is a person working there, who, from a business standpoint should be let go immediately, because they are incapable of doing their job. It's my job to make sure that the manager knows this. But this same person continually asks me questions about the Bible, and wants to read through it and talk with me about it. I'm not going to say anything to the manager just yet.

I've also had the privilege of receiving some little reward for my efforts to please God. Sometimes I wonder if I'm succeeding at all. Yesterday, I received the best compliment ever: a customer asked me if the white RAV4 was mine and I said yes. Out of curiosity, I said, "It's kind of a girly car huh?" (meaning, is that how you figured out it was mine?) But she said "No, I thought it was yours because of the Compass Bible Church sticker," and she smiled at me. She said she knows another family that goes to church there, and they invited her to come too. She hadn't gone, but I invited her too (I wish everyone could go there!). Hopefully she'll come sometime soon.

All that to say, God is teaching me to trust in him every day, and I am seeing his sovereignty at work in my circumstances. I still don't like my job and have suffered legitimate injustices, but knowing that God has a good reason for me being there makes it a lot easier to bear. I can see that he loves the lost, and I am slowly taking on some of that love. I am painfully learning to long for the salvation of people who don't love or even like me, for the sake of Christ. It helps me to understand what Paul said in Philippians 1:18-25. He was talking about the choice between laboring for Christ in unpeasant circumstances, and escape from that labor (death). He would rather go to be with Jesus, which is "better by far," but he says in verse 25, "I will remain, and I will comtinue with all of you for your progress and joy in the faith..." I am not Paul, but even if God is using me in some small way to glorify his name, all of my discomfort is worth it.

A Lesson From Pilgrim's Progress

After reading a short description of how suffering increased John Bunyan's faith and ministry, I went out and bought his most famous book, "The Pilgrim's Progress." Written in the 17th century, this story is not an easy read, but it is well worth filtering through the "thees," "thous" and "wherefores," in order to benefit from the wisdom hidden therein.

The main character, Christian, reads a book and becomes aware of his burden of sin and his inability to get rid of it himself. At the direction of a man named Evangelist, he sets out on a journey, leaving his family and friends behind, in order to escape the wrath he knows he deserves. He reaches the cross, where he looks to Christ, and the burden falls from his back. From that point on, he travels in search of the Celestial City, where he will see Christ, not hanging on a cross, but alive and in all his glory.

The heart of the story is his progress along that path. He meets all kinds of people along the way, who influence his attitude, desires, and ability to proceed. Each one tests the veracity of his faith.

One such encounter takes place near the beginning of his journey. Night is drawing near, and he sees a castle along the way, and turns in to ask if he can stay the night there. After being questioned by the porter, he is allowed to come in and have dinner with the three ladies that live there - Piety, Prudence, and Charity. As they wait for their dinner, the ladies question him about where he came from and what happened along the way. Then they come to the subject of his family and ask him why he didn't bring them as well. Actually, they grill him about it. And the conversation made me squirm as if it was me under the hot light. It starts on page 51:

"Christian- I have a Wife and four small Children.
Charity- And why did you not bring them along with you?
Chr. Then Christian wept, and said, Oh how willingly would I have done it, but they were all of them utterly averse to my going on Pilgrimage.
Cha. But you should have talked to them, and have endeavoured to have [shown] them the danger of being behind.
Chr. So I did, and told them also what God had [shown] to me of the destruction of our City; but I seemed to them as one that mocked, and they believed me not.
Cha. And did you pray to God that he would bless your counsel with them?
Chr. Yes, and that with much affection; for you must think that my Wife and poor Children were very dear unto me..."
"...Cha. But did you not with your vain life, damp all that you by words used by way of [persuasion] to bring them away with you?
Chr. Indeed I cannot commend my life; for I am conscious to my self of many failings therein: I know also that a man by his conversation may soon overthrow what by argument or [persuasion] he doth labour to fasten upon others for their good: Yet this I can say, I was very wary of giving them occasion, by any unseemly action, to make them averse to going on Pilgrimage. Yea, for this very thing they would tell me I was too precise, and that I denied myself of things (for their sakes) in which they saw no evil. Nay, I think I may say, that, if what they saw in me did hinder them, it was my great tenderness in sinning against God, or of doing any wrong to my Neighbor.
Cha. Indeed Cain hated his Brother, because his own works were evil, and his Brother's righteous; and if thy Wife and Children have been offended with thee for this, they thereby [show] themselves to be implacable to good; and thou hast delivered thy soul from their blood."

Several things convicted me in this small part of the story. First: am I making every effort to win people to Christ? Charity interrogates Christian to see if there is anything else he could have done to save his family. Am I telling the gospel? Am I praying that God will "bless my counsel" with them? And (equally as important) am I living what I say? I love how Christian says that a person, "by his conversation may soon overthrow what by argument or [persuasion] he doth labour to fasten upon others for their good." (page 52) In other words, our everyday conversation can immediately nullify everything we say to try to persuade someone of the gospel. We can actually make God's good plan look bad by saying we're Christians, and not living like we are. There is never a time when we can take a brake from being a follower of Christ. In dropping our guard against sin (especially in little things), we not only grieve God by disobeying him, but we may also cause someone to ignore the Gospel and miss out on salvation. If I, by my sin, am the cause of some one's rejection of the truth that would save them, is their blood then on my head? Instead, we should "Live such good lives among the pagans that, though they accuse you of doing wrong, they may see your good deeds and glorify God on the day he visits us."(1 Peter 2:12)

If someone interrogated me about my life and witness like Charity did to Christian in this story, I wouldn't be able to answer as he did. But I do intend to work to make my every day conversation and actions pleasing to God, so that my life will adorn the gospel, rather than contradict it.

Romans 13:8

I just moved into my grandparents' house. Monday was my first night actually sleeping there, and only now am I starting to feel like things are getting under control.

Last week, my dad helped me move all my stuff in. The only problem was that all my grandparents' stuff was still here. He brought my couch into the living room and left it standing on-end, and he dumped my bed in the bedroom in multiple pieces and left. I am so grateful that he helped me, because I could never move all that stuff by myself, but that night I looked around the house and broke down and cried. How could I possibly get it under control? Where would I ever start?

It's a three bedroom, two bath, fully furnished (with old-lady furniture) house, that has been empty since my grandpa died at the end of last year. If you've ever moved, you know how much work it is. Imagine moving into a place that is already full of stuff. It's very frustrating.

I'm not writing this to complain, but rather, to praise one of my fellow Christians who helped me more than I can ever thank her for. My roomate's grandma - Wanda Russell, a petite 70-something year-old Texan, came over bright and early the following day and said, "I'm here to help. What would you like me to do?" I had no idea what to tell her, but her years of wisdom gently helped me work my way through the mess. She suggested that we put all the old furniture in one room and close it off, then she went to work in the kitchen and cleaned and papered all the shelves and drawers (after condensing all the old dishes into one section of cabinets.) Together, we rolled up all the rugs and washed the floors, cleaned out Jen's room and my closet, and moved tons of boxes into the garage. After several days of working like this, Wanda came to me to ask what else I wanted her to do, and I couldn't think of anything. The house was transformed.

Her kindness and hard work over the last week or so has made me so thankful - not just to her, but also to God, who sent her to me. I honestly don't know what I would've done without her, or how I could ever thank her enough. God meets our needs at just the right time. In this case, He waited until I knew for certain that I couldn't do it on my own, and then sent me this incredible blessing. And the amazing thing is that Wanda feels indebted to me and my family for letting her grand daughter move in here. It reminded me of Romans 13:8 "Let no debt remain outstanding, except the continuing debt to love one another, for he who loves his fellowman has fulfilled the law."

This is how we should always treat each other, as though there is a continuing debt to love one another. It's wonderful!

Life-saving Truth

My dad took me out for a high class meal at Taco Bell the other day. Just as we reached the door, a homeless man stepped up to me and asked if I could spare a dollar. Since I came with my dad, I left my money in my car back at the church, so I asked my dad if he had a dollar for the guy. Instead of giving him money, he said, "Are you hungry? Come on in, and I'll buy you lunch." The man came in with us and ordered on our tab.

My dad never ceases to amaze me. He is very rough round the edges - not the typical person you'd see ushering at church on Sunday. Sometimes he even falls asleep during the sermon. But one thing my dad has that a lot of church-goers don't is a real understanding of the truth. He knows the gospel, and he knows that those who don't will go to hell. Many times, I've seen him strike up a conversation with a stranger, and within five minutes he's told them the good news the we can be reconciled to God because of Jesus' death on the cross. People give mixed reactions, but more positive ones than you'd think. He never sugar-coats the truth. "You're a sinner," he'll say, "and so am I. But let me tell you how you can be forgiven..." He doesn't worry about offending people, he worries that he might meet someone and never tell them the truth that could save their life.

The gospel is offensive. The Bible even says it is. But it is true, and it is vital that we tell it to people (Romans 10:13-14). We should all be more like my dad. Go ahead. Offend someone with the words of life. If you love them, that's the first thing you'll do.

Submission

Somehow on Wednesday, our Bible study conversation strayed from the subject of divorce, to that of submission. Submission is not a popular concept among high school girls, or anyone else for that matter. The controversy came over that painful truth in God's word, that women are to submit to their husbands. Not only that, but women are not to have authority over men in the church. (Col 3:18, Eph 5:22-33, 1Tim 2:11-14)

Numerous arguments come to mind, many of them logical. Women are not inferior to men. We are not less intelligent. We have proven just as capable in the workplace as our male counterparts, with the exception of physical limitations. Why should we submit?

Firstly, and most importantly, Christian women should submit to Christian men because God tells us to. We should take Him at His word and obey. When I was growing up my parents used to tell me, "When we tell you to do something, obey first, and once you've done it you can ask questions." Our tendency is to ask questions before we obey. God expects us to trust Him.

Having said that, there are several other reasons that I can think of for obedience in this area. God made us this way. He intended for us to be helpers to men, not their leaders. When we do things the way God intended, it's generally a lot easier and more fun than when we do them our own way. There is one guy in my dance class that wants to be a follower rather than a leader. He has a hard time finding a partner to dance with, and when he does, it doesn't appear to be a comfortable or fun experience.

God made us to fill certain roles, and things work best when we do the ones we're supposed to. As in dancing, a marriage has to have a leader and a follower. If both people are trying to lead, it just won't work. Toes get stepped on, you bump into each other, and you end up expending a lot more energy and accomplishing a lot less. If, on the other hand, the man is leading, and the woman is following, the dance can be beautiful and fun for both people. Neither of the two roles is less important, they're just different.

As girls and women, we should not think of submission as a bad thing. It's not slavery. In fact, submission is a choice. It can't be forced. There is power in submission that is lost when we try to be in charge. It's the difference between humility and humiliation, gentleness and weakness.

Some practical things for unmarried women to keep in mind are: Make up your mind now to obey God and submit to your husband. Don't wait until you're married to think about this, because then it will give you problems. Choose a husband you are willing to submit to (or don't get married). Don't put yourself in a position where obedience is next to impossible. Find a man you respect. Remember that God gives us commands like this for our own good - trust Him.