I've been struggling for the last few weeks with mild anxiety. A vague sense of dread has been hanging over my head. When I try to analyze it, it seems to be about security: financial, residential, familial. I long for security above all else and I'm faced with my inability to achieve it. I have no husband and I don't own my home. I rely on roommates to help pay the rent and every time one of them moves out I'm reminded how so many things in my life could easily fall apart at any moment. When I look around I'm tempted to feel sorry for myself. Other women my age or younger have a loving husband and kids and a beautiful home. Why not me? 

With no husband and no house, I am not able to save a lot of money for retirement. How will I live when I'm too old to work? What if I lose my job? Will I have to rely on friends for help? These are the things circling through my mind today, but I realize these fears are not unique to single women. Isn't security and love what we all desire? And don't married people who own their homes struggle with some of the same fears? At any moment, your husband could lose his job. How will you make your payments? How will you pay for your kid's clothes?

These fears show me that I am looking to things of this world to provide for my needs. If I only had a husband with a good job, I would be okay. Nope. I know this is an illusion. I know many married women who feel just as lonely and insecure as I do, if not more so. It is not the things that bring security and belonging. It's God. God is the only one who promises truthfully never to leave or forsake me (Hebrews 13:5). God never changes (James 1:17). He is merciful and just, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love. No man or job or home on earth can make those claims with any honesty.

Last week, an arson-ignited fire raged through the mountains behind my neighborhood. There were several nights when I could stand on my balcony and watch the flames race across the ridge, closer and closer to my home. I thought about what I would choose to pack in my car if I needed to evacuate. Not much. My passport, camera, computer, teddy bear, photos, guitar. How would my life change if I lost all my stuff? To be honest, I think I would feel free. There is something about having everything taken away that allows you to rely on God in a way you can't when you have a lot.

Today in church, the pastor quoted Jesus in Matthew 6:24: "No one can serve two masters; for either he will hate the one and love the other, or else he will be loyal to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve God and mammon." My fears exposed to me that I am trying to serve two masters. I want to live for Jesus and trust him for everything, and I also want a comfortable home and the security of a well-padded bank account. But when my mind is consumed with worry about those things, it reveals to me that this life is what I'm serving, not Christ. In the following verses, Jesus says, “Therefore I say to you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink; nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air, for they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they?" (Mt 6:25-26) Jesus warns against exactly what I'm doing. In trying to serve two masters I will constantly be torn between God's kingdom and this world, and I won't be successful in either. Instead, he says, "But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble." (Mt 6:33-34)

God, please help me to tear my heart out of this world and instead store up treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves can't break in and steal. Help me to fix my eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen and eternal. Make my life count for much in your economy, even if it means losing out on this one. Help me to value my position on your kingdom over my position in this world.